The Adventures of Spike and Mister E
by Jason Tandro
Summary: When my wife and I went to the premiere of Kick Ass 2, we dressed up as our own "superheroes". She was Spike and I Mister E. We decided to write a fanfiction together based on these characters since we liked them so much. Kinda campy, but hey, its a superhero story, a bit of camp is required. Warning, explicit language.
1. Chapter 1

**The Adventures of Spike and Mr. E  
**by Jason Tando and Mania is Bliss

**Episode 1: Strong, Silent Type**

Venice Beach was a glorified slum, and everybody who lived there knew it. It didn't always used to be this way, but with the recent wave of crimes, one of the worst places you could be was the Oakland neighborhood. And it was certainly not the place where a lady would want to walk unescorted after dark.

A faint pale mist, brightened by the evanescent glow from the quarter moon illuminated the corner of 7th and California Ave near the Oakland Rec Center. Nova walked casually towards the Rec Center, with her husband Adam. Of course tonight, they weren't themselves.

Nova found herself with a lot of free time, being the owner and proprietor of _Precious Memories_, a photography studio that specialized in baby photos. Adam was a freelance software developer so there were numerous days in the week where he had nothing to do. With that free time they spent a lot of time online. And that's when they learned about him.

Kick Ass.

At first, Nova thought the boy was an absolute joke. She was an actual martial artist, with a bit of training in American Karate and Taekwondo (she held a purple-belt in each). Her favorite discipline was Jiujitsu, and in that she had gone all the way, reaching the rank of black-belt. She had actual training. Kick Ass had two overlarge Tonfas and a skiing suit. Who was this boy kidding by dressing up and playing at being a superhero.

She and Adam had followed him though. And when they found out about Hit Girl, that's when the fire in her belly was stoked. Here was this little girl who was an absolute killing machine. By this time, playing superhero had become a sort of fashion-statement in New York City and in other scattered places around the country.

But who was watching Nova and Adam's neighborhood?

"We could do it, you know?" She had said to him the night they watched the horrifying torture of Kick Ass and the murder of Big Daddy.

"You think so?" Adam asked.

Adam had only studied one martial art, and it was a relatively obscure one: Shotokan. But he was a black-belt of Shotokan and was a large man to boot. Plus, whether she liked to admit it or not, he was a bit smarter than she was. Just a bit.

"We have more training than most of these clowns. We need to show the punks in this town that we're not afraid of them!" Nova insisted.

"You're a photographer. I'm a software developer," Adam said.

"We're both fighters Adam. And we have all the time we need to help others," she insisted.

They argued like this for some time before Adam finally relented. He did have one condition though.

"I've taking my .45 with me," he said.

"We don't need a gun, Adam," Nova said. This was the same argument she'd used against him getting his .45 in the first place, but then (just as now) he put his foot down.

"I don't care how strong we are, the people we're up against are going to have guns too. I'm not going to put you in danger unless I have something proper that I can protect you with," Adam said firmly.

Nova bit her lip and folded her arms. After a few moments she grunted. "Fine. But you only use it in an emergency, understood?"

Adam shrugged. "Very well."

Finding their costumes were easy enough. Adam simply wore a full black suit with a black shirt and tie and a black fedora hat. He covered his eyes with a pair of shades. When Nova asked why he'd chosen it Adam responded that he always felt most confident wearing a suit and the suit jacket and shirt were loose enough that they wouldn't constrict his movements. For his weapon he chose to take his Bo Staff from his Shotokan training. He had actually constructed a Bo that extended from about half its size in the same way that a radio antenna extends. He capped off the top with a small ball and made it look like a harmless walking stick. The illusion was good.

Nova chose to go for a bit more flair. She really liked what Hit Girl had done with her outfit and decided to try a take on it with her own style. She wore a black strap shirt with spikes around the straps, denim shorts and a pair of spiked red and black stiletto heels. She put on a pair of brass knuckles that had spikes at each knuckle and to conceal herself she took a sheer crimson and silver scarf and tied it around her eyes like a blindfold. She could see perfectly fine, but it was difficult to make out her eyes.

"You don't leave much to the imagination," Adam said looking her over. She strapped six throwing daggers to each of her hips and tucked her two favorite daggers a black and white one which she named Slice and Dice respectively, into her pockets.

"I want to look like easy prey," Nova explained. "Make some fool pay for underestimating me, you know. Plus, I look hot."

That much was certainly true, and Adam coughed slightly and changed the subject. "So, lovely, what are our super hero names going to be?"

Nova looked at her outfit in the mirror. "I think my name will be Spike."

"That's straightforward enough," Adam said. "And I will be your humble sidekick and butler Mister E."

"Why Mister E?" Nova asked.

"Say it three time fast," Adam explained.

Nova did so in her head and put her head in her palm. "That's terrible."

"We're dressing up to fight crime," Adam said calmly. "I think a certain degree of campiness is allowed."

"Okay then," Nova said. "I don't plan to do much talking, so I'll let you be my voice. And since you always like to have your fun in the bedroom I think I'll be the one giving the orders in this business, understood?"

Adam smirked but shrugged again. "Sure thing Milady."

It had been two weeks since they'd begun their crusade that they now found themselves on the corner of 7th and California Ave. And as they cut down San Juan Ct, a group of six men began to follow them. Spike found herself getting a bit excited. Her first fight as her crime-fighting alter ego.

"Hey lady!" Shouted one of the punks. "Stop wasting time with the old geezer and spend some with us."

"Does the fedora make me look old?" Mr. E asked Spike quietly. Spike looked him over and shrugged. They were both in their late 20s. She then nodded towards the road and they continued walking. The punks grew closer.

"Hey bitch, I was talking to you," the punk shouted again, his surfer dude accent grating on Spike's nerves more than his actual words.

The two stopped in unison and turned. The rabble of the six punks were a mere five feet behind them. Spike bent over and whispered in Mr. E's ear.

"I quite agree Milady," Mr. E said, taking a step towards the punks.

"What'd she say?" The first punk asked.

"She said that somebody should teach you a thing about respecting women," Mr. E said. "I'll give you an opportunity now to leave us be, or suffer the consequences."

"Oh yeah?" Another punk said, pulling out a small pocket knife. "What if we don't want to leave you alone? What then, tough guy?"

Spike leaned over and whispered in his ear again.

"Yo, what is that bitch saying?" The punk with the knife demanded.

Mr. E smiled. "She said you calling that little thing a knife was just adorable."

In a flash of movement Spike reached for two throwing daggers and before the punks had time to react both hit the punk holding the knife in the shoulder-blades. He dropped the knife as he bellowed in pain. The first punk rushed in to punch Mr. E, but he lifted his walking stick, nailing him in the chest and then delivered a follow-up front kick which knocked him onto the ground, he popped the top off of his walking stick and extended his staff to its full length.

"Plenty more where that came from gentlemen, if you will just form an orderly line," Mr. E said calmly.

The remaining four rushed in all at once, but sadly it wasn't much of a challenge for the two of them. Spike nailed one short guy in the face with her brass knuckles and then dug her stiletto heels into his crotch. She slashed at his buddy with Slice and Dice until he accidentally backed up into a reverse spin from Mr. E's Bo. Another came charging up the middle, having picked up the other's knife but Spike grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back and snapped it at the wrist. The last punk who was still relatively uninjured decided to learn from the mistakes of other and promptly fled.

Police sirens sounded off in the distance. Mister E picked up the first punk whom he'd knocked to the ground.

"Now listen, this is for posterity, so when they ask you who did this to you, the names are Spike and Mr. E," Mr. E explained. "Be a good boy, you'll feel better in no time."

Mr. E retracted his Bo Staff and Spike pulled her daggers out of the knife punk's shoulders as he groaned again. The flashing blue lights lit up the end of the street and Spike and Mr. E ran down a side road, heading back to where they'd parked their car.

"Not bad for our first real fight, eh?" Nova said as she took off her scarf.

"Just over too quickly," Adam sighed, putting his shades away.

"I was right though, right?" Nova insisted.

"As always. I really should stop doubting you," Adam nodded.

"You know just what a girl wants to hear," Nova smiled.

"If he wants to avoid a stiletto heel in his groin."


	2. Chapter 2

**Episode 2: The Costume Party**

Despite their strong start, the couple had not had an opportunity to stretch their legs for the rest of summer. Between being slightly paranoid about having their identities figured out by one of the thugs (or even more troublesome the police) and second guessing whether or not this really was a foolish idea, the two of them had just been very busy.

Nova had recently been working on an expansion of her studio, which required her to spend more time than ever before at her shop. An 80 hour work week was the norm for the entire month of August. As for Adam, he'd been commissioned to work on some auditing software for a legal firm which meant he spent a good portion of August and September coding, or else conferencing with the other programmers who he was working with.

But with October came an end to both of their career burdens and the reassurance that nobody had caught wind of their alter egos. It wasn't until near the end of October that Nova was once again bitten with the desire to fight crime.

The two had been making love, and Nova had not been as in to it as she normally was.

"Something bugging you babe?" Adam asked as he lay against her, stroking her hair.

"I wanna go again," she said, slipping her thin hands out of the handcuffs they'd been using.

"Uh, maybe we should finish one round first," Adam suggested.

"No, Adam," she sighed, gently pushing him off her and slipping on her nightgown. "I mean, I want to go out there and go beat up punks again."

Adam looked around, taken aback. "Uh. Right now?"

"Are you being intentionally dense tonight, love?" Nova asked, rubbing her head.

"Now I remember why I used duct tape," Adam sighed. "You're much more cooperative when you can't speak."

"Ha ha," Nova rolled her eyes. "Seriously, get your mind out of the gutter for one second."

"Okay, babe. What brought this up?" Adam asked.

"You didn't think we were just going to stop after one bout did you?" Nova asked.

"Well, maybe not, but it's been months since we did that. We've been swamped," Adam explained.

"We _were _swamped," Nova said. "Now we're not. So what's stopping us?"

"Well for one thing-"

"And you wanting to get laid is not a viable answer," she sighed.

The following night was October 29th. Even though Halloween wasn't for two more days, as the 29th was a Saturday night it was the night that most of the children went Trick-or-Treating and most of the Halloween parties were held. Despite the public involvement, it was also a great night to commit crimes with the cover of hundreds of other masked people around.

Of course, Spike and Mister E used that to their advantage as well.

"What do you think?" Spike asked.

"Westminster Avenue," Mister E replied. "Between the dog park and that huge parking lot there's bound to be something going on."

"Wide open spaces?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.

"On Halloween the easiest place to hide is in plain sight," Mister E reasoned.

His estimations were, as usual, spot on. There was a trio of teenagers wearing matching skull masks tormenting a homeless man. The tallest of the three punks was throwing beer cans at him.

"Excuse me gentlemen!" Mister E called.

The three boys turned around at the two and started laughing.

"Nice costumes, bro," the shortest one mocked.

"I like to assume you've let the holiday spirit work you up a bit much. You've just gotten carried away is all. I'm certain you will apologize to the nice man, clean up your refuse and go enjoy the rest of your evening," Mister E said.

"And who's gonna make me?" The tallest kid asked, pulling a .38 pistol out of his jacket.

"Whoa, Tim, put the gun down man," the middle kid said.

"I didn't bring this gun with me just to say I could," Tim replied. "So just shut the hell up. We're going to play with this homo a little bit."

Spike leaned in and whispered into Mister E's ear. Tim pointed his gun at her. "Back the hell up sugar tits. We'll deal with you in a second."

"That's highly unlikely," Mister E sighed. "As my lady pointed out to me you are using a .38 snub-nosed revolver pistol, very popular back in the 1930s but not of much relevance today, especially if the gun has been poorly maintained."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Tim asked.

"You just grabbed that gun out of your father's gun collection and since you clearly don't know much about guns, let alone revolvers, you haven't primed the first shot yet. Which means I can do this."

Mister E smashed Tim's head with his walking stick and the gun dropped out of his hand. Mister E bent down to pick it up.

"It's worse than I thought. You never even loaded the gun," Mister E sighed. "Idle threat?"

Mister E pulled out his own .45 and pointed it at Tim.

"Dude, don't kill me please!" Tim cried, shielding his face with his hands.

"I had no intention of doing that. If I did you'd never learn a lesson," Mister E explained. "If you bring a gun to a fight you'd better be ready to pull the trigger."

Mister E put his gun back in his holster, quickly dismantled the revolver and tossed the components on the ground in front of the boy. "Go home. Now."

Tim gathered the pieces up and the three of them ran down the street, Tim still sobbing profusely. The homeless man thanked Mister E and then rolled back over into his sleeping bag.

"I think you were a little hard on him," Spike said.

"Really?" Mister E asked.

"Hell no," Spike laughed. "That was a good show. Where to next?"

"Since we're here, let's head to Valencia Ct. There's always something brewing on that street," Mister E suggested.

"Are you sure you don't want to just go Trick-Or-Treating?" Spike asked, nudging him in the ribs.

The two walked down the road and cut across Main Street, down the small, cramped road that was Valencia Ct. The situation that they came across was far worse than they'd been expecting.

The street was dead and black even though the surrounding streets were filled with people and brightly lit. And blending with the excited screams of children and adults enjoying the nights chills came a young woman's scream of a much more savage terror.

The two ran at top speed down the court to see a young Hispanic woman running from a group of four middle-aged men. The leader of the pack grabbed the woman by her wrist and pulled her close to him just as Spike and Mister E showed up. There was no time for talking.

Spike threw two of her throwing knives at the man, her aim as true as ever. Both daggers flew harmlessly by the woman and embedded themselves in the man's shoulder and forearm. He bellowed in pain as the wounds began to bleed.

"Get out of here!" Mister E shouted to the woman, who took no hesitation in fleeing into a nearby building.

"Who the fuck do you think you are whore?!" The wounded man shouted.

The three other creeps with him lifted up their makeshift weapons, a baseball bat, tire iron and one particularly tubby loser was wielding a sledgehammer.

"I'll take the fat fuck," Mister E said. "Can you handle the other two?"

Spike nodded. The fat man rushed at Mister E who carelessly dodged his horribly predictable sledgehammer swipe. As Mister E came back up from his duck he punched his walking stick right under the man's chin. Spike had thrown two more of her daggers in unison, striking the gut of the man with the tire iron and the other just grazing past the head of the man with the baseball bat.

The creep with the bat swung it at her back, but she ducked almost casually and sent a goat kick up to the man's groin. As he keeled over, she cut his face with Slice and then his ribs with Dice. He fell back, down for the count. The man with the tire iron ran fell back against the nearby wall, raising his hands in the usual signal of submission.

Mister E had taken this time to finish off the fat one with a loud crack as his stick smashed the back of his head. The first attempted rapist wasn't quite finished yet.

"You stupid bitch!" He shouted as he pulled his own .45 out of his belt. Mister E drew his gun but Spike was there first, snapping the man's wrist in three places as she tore the gun out of his hand.

She then pinned the man up against the wall. "I don't speak often, so you better pay attention. There is nothing more disgusting to me then a fucking rapist, so as far as I'm concerned, you've lost your right to these."

With two lightning quick movements she cut off his pants with slice and cut off his manhood with Dice. He screamed in agony as he fell to the ground.

Mister E had almost not noticed the sirens that now came blaring up behind them.

"Spike! Cops!" Mister E shouted.

Spike grabbed her knives quickly and then ran down a side street, with Mister E close in tow behind them. Unfortunately a cop was after them as well.

"Stop right now! LAPD!" He shouted.

"Sorry officer!" Mister E called back as Spike leapt over a fence to Toledo Ct.

Mister E followed after her and the cop gave a valiant effort, but fell back down onto the alley. After cutting through a few more narrow streets to make sure they'd left their tail in the dust, they returned to their car which they parked on Westminster Ave, changed into their normal clothes in a nearby alley and then drove home.

"So what do you think honey? Give it another couple of months?" Adam asked.

"No," she said. "This is our life now. Chopping that perverts pitiful excuse for junk off felt amazing."

"If the cops catch us, we'll go to jail for just as long, maybe longer," Adam reasoned.

"Well, then we'll just have to not get caught," Nova nodded.


End file.
